In the world of dating, most people are often invested in the notion that playing games is essential to getting a person to notice you. But why go through all that to get someone to like you for who you are not? Ain't nobody got time for that! So it might seem a bit counter-intuitive that I am writing a post about what guys can consider doing in the beginning when reaching out to a new online dating match.
A while back, I was curious about what the dating app world is all about, so I decided to download one of the most popular dating apps right now called Coffee Meets Bagel. I am still traditional in a sense where I prefer meeting someone organically, but through my interactions with people on the app, I was able to understand myself better in terms of what I am attracted to or not attracted to in the opposite sex.
With that in mind, the first thing a guy says to a girl is so crucial that it can really make or break her interest. Think about it. There are probably 10 other dudes messaging the potential woman of your dreams. If your photos don’t quite cut it, at least you have a chance to display your charisma (after all, you two matched for a reason.) It is the same thing as making a first impression…think of it as reading an intro to a book or movie. Or how else are you going to get hooked?
Although a girlfriend of mine has told me before that she prefers a guy who takes the old-fashioned route with a simple greeting. Fair enough, I think I would not mind that in real life. But when you are competing with so many other dudes...you better make sure you can catch her attention. I frequently find myself being attracted to guys who have the ability to make me think “Oh wow, what he just said was pretty clever/witty.” Charisma = Sexiness. Anyone with a natural wit is just oh so sexy. The kind of charisma that is sweet, simple, and not forced. You either have it or you don't. Mind you though, what sounds clever to me might sound completely idiotic to another, so...To each his own.
Cool. So we have established to not start off the conversation with something too dull for lack of better word (eg: "How are you?" By the way, “Hi” is absolutely the worst. Because what do you expect her to say oh "hi" back?)
#1 Start off with something short and sweet that is relevant to their bio
For example, I wrote in my profile that I like animals with shorts legs like llamas and corgis. I thought it was kind of clever when someone said, "I like animals with all different leg lengths! Don't discriminate!" Ok, pretty clever...I thought to myself. Sadly, he didn’t give me time to respond as he continued typing paragraph-long messages. In real life, it would be fine. But because to me, it was just an app, I don't know him at all so that killed it fast for me (among other personal reasons too).
By the way, I don't think there is anything wrong with double or triple, or even quadruple texting at all (since I can be quite the master of that). Just make sure you give them time to respond especially when you are first reaching out to someone. Another one that I thought was interesting was when someone asked me if I would rather fight a hundred corgi size llamas or one llama size corgi. My first reaction was "Wait, what?" It worked because I actually had to think about that for a bit.
#2 (This one might sound obvious) but are you going to talk to me at all? *Line is closing in 3 hours*
Look, there are no rules to whether a guy or woman should make the first move. In fact, it is darn sexy when a girl can initiate, which in my mind shows a lot of "badass-ness" and confidence! The thing here though is that most girls/women I know like getting pursued, so if you are waiting on your ass hoping she can talk to you first, it is more than likely someone else is already a few steps ahead of you.
#3 For God’s sake, don't mention these two words
There is nothing wrong with going to "happy hour” for your first date. Everything is super cheap, half off or buy one get one free, right? But that is exactly it. Proposing it can make you sound cheap. Don’t get me wrong, I do not think a guy should drop a ton of money and take someone to a fancy dinner as a first date. Instead, it might even be better to go to something as casual as a local pizzeria, and it could turn out to be one of the most fun dates. But something about mentioning “happy hour” just makes me shake my head a little. This definitely is not a deal-breaker at all, it is just one of those personal pet peeves that rubs me off the wrong way (I cannot help it).
#4 Keep it playful (in other words, know how to make her laugh)
Below is the #1 mistake most men make in the "getting to know you phase".
So you're in advertising? How do you like that? What part of advertising?
This is how I think, "First of all, why are you so curious about what I do? It makes me feel like you are judging me based on my career choice. Even if it is not your intention , you are still making me yawn." Most people make this mistake forgetting that the person they are talking to probably has to repeat the same thing over and over again. So save those not-so-interesting questions for when you are actually meeting her in person. Focus on keeping the conversation light, fun, and flirtatious. If you can make her giggle a bit, you have succeeded in one of the most important steps in getting a girl to be interested in you!
#5 Stop lingering! Get her number already
I think a really common mistake people make before meeting up with someone IRL is that they are already engaging in long and deep conversations. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that, especially if you both just have great chemistry. But isn't it better to save all that for IN-PERSON? That is right, get her number and ask her out already! Then you can take it slow from there. Taking the time to get to know someone is a lot like savoring your favorite dish with little bites at a time. It helps to keep both your conversations and the overall dating experience more exciting. Taking your time is so important because:
(1) You will have topics to talk about when you see them in person.
(2) You would not already have an impression of the person set in stone that could turn out to be very different in reality.
(3) More mystery = more fun!
(4) You should never be 100% sure the person you are talking to on the app is not a man (unless you arrange a call first for verification. No, I’m serious!)
Being a guy that is expected to do all the initial work is hard - boo, I know. Truth is, even if you follow all the guidelines I have listed above, it does not necessarily mean chemistry will magically appear. In the end, I am a firm believer in that if you do not have chemistry with someone right now, it is totally possible for it to still happen later down the road - or maybe it will never happen! (And that's okay!)
These are just my two cents. I would like to know more about your experiences and stories too, so feel free to share! Peace.